Jim's waited a few days since returning from the cave to message John. It feels like he's waited too long; he should've checked on him sooner, if nothing else, made sure he was doing alright. Just one more thing to add to the pile of all the ways he's treated John poorly lately. Honestly, at this point he wouldn't even be surprised anymore if the man told him he didn't want to see him again.
But he does text in advance, at least. He'd rather do that instead of showing up at his doorstep entirely unannounced.
John, hello. If you'd agree to see me, I'd like to talk to you.
John's still not very good at texting. First and foremost because he's from a time when that sort of technology just doesn't exist, secondly because now that it does he would still much rather have a conversation face to face. Even despite the recent awkward happenings between himself and Jim, he's grateful that the other man isn't interested in having this conversation over their devices.
John is a forgiving sort, after all. Perhaps a little too forgiving, at times. Putting other peoples' needs before his own. The fact of the matter is that he too had died in that cave, and then been thrust back out on his own as if nothing had happened, and. He's an adult, a grown man, but these are extraordinary circumstances, and having to face them alone...
He sends Jim back a message readily enough:
My dear friend. I am always happy to spend time in your company. Simply name your appointment. Yours, John
Yes, a text. He knows it's not John's preferred method of communication, but it's practical when it comes to arranging a meeting, and Jim feels marginally less awkward setting up a time and place for them to meet.
He can't help a faint smile when John actually signs the text as though it were a letter, and he types back quickly, feeling a bit more at ease.
Now works for me. Where are you? I'll come meet you.
Technically he's at the training arena, but he doesn't particularly think that's exactly the place for any sort of conversation between the pair of them. Nor does he consider his own housing much better. It's certainly not private, anyway.
He considers his response, wondering exactly what the other man might have to speak to him about. Knowing the potential topics and weighing them into his suggested venue as he offers his reply.
My dear Captain. I am just finishing here at the arena but perhaps it might be better if we meet each other out instead. The lake in Honir should be peaceful at this time of day, I think. Shall I see you there? Yours, John
The training grounds wouldn't be the worst place, but the spot John chooses is absolutely perfect. John's right in that there shouldn't be a lot of people around there right now, so they could get more than enough privacy to talk, and there should be plenty of spots for them to have a seat by the edge of the water.
My Lord John, that is a most suitable arrangement. I can meet you there promptly, should you give me fifteen minutes to find my way there. Likewise yours, James
Sorry, he just couldn't resist matching John's style. It does come across a whole lot fancier than casual texts, he has to admit.
My dear Lord, do not concern yourself over my well-being. Indeed I am quite flexible and it takes more than ornate grammar to cause me any significant harm.
Don't you sass him, John Grey. Anyway, if not for the serious topic that their conversation was going to have, he would gladly continue with the banter, but as it is he says his goodbyes rather simply.
I'll see you shortly. - James
True to word, ten minutes later Jim's standing by the edge of the lake, entertaining himself by picking up smooth rocks and tossing them into the distance, watching a few of them bounce across the surface a few times before sinking. He stops when he hears footsteps, turning with a smile.
John has his hands clasped behind his back as he approaches, his posture very straight and precise. As much because he is not entirely certain what sort of conversation he's walking into as anything else. They had been through -- quite a lot together, as of late. And while he understands that they should probably discuss a great many things, he doesn't quite know what to make of the fact that Jim has explicitly requested that they do so. He may or may not feel caught out.
"Good afternoon," he replies, offering the other man a smile. Nodding to the last rock that Jim had skipped across the water before commenting, "Quite the talent you've got there."
"We had lakes in Iowa too," he shrugs, lips a little pursed. Despite the trace of awkwardness, he can't help being glad to see John, and getting the chance to check up on him, even if he did call him here for another reason.
He gestures to the beaten path that goes along the edge of the lake. "Will you walk with me?"
Flashing the other man a smile, John nods, tipping his head towards the path himself.
"Of course," he offers, though he waits for Jim to take the lead. Both down the path as well as in their conversation. Jim had been the one to request this meeting after all, and as much as John enjoys his company, he can't help bracing himself for whatever this talk might hold.
"How are you, my dear?" he asks, glancing aside at the other man as they walk.
Jim starts on the path, though he's not so quick to bring up the reason why he invited John here. He's sure a few things must have crossed John's mind, but most likely what Jim will tell him will surprise him. Possibly worry him, though he hopes it won't make him mad.
"I'm fine. John, I... I need to tell you something," he says straight away, bypassing pleasantries before he starts getting nervous and tries to talk himself out of this. "I hope you won't be too upset with me over it."
Well, John thinks to himself, this hardly bodes well. Not only doing away with the pleasantries, but jumping right in with such a dire phrasing as that.
He glances sideways at the other man, uncertain whether to offer him an encouraging smile or how best to respond other than to simply allow the other man to continue.
Jim doesn't have it in himself to smile right now. In fact, he feels guilty about... well, everything. How he treated John, how he treated Mary too, having kept things from both-- and now having taken it upon himself to disrespect John's right to decide if and when he wants anyone at all to know that he's attracted to men.
For a man of his time, Jim can understand that it must be a terrifying thing, having others find out about his sexuality. Even if that's not the sort of thing he has to worry about here, that's not something that's so easy to shake.
"I told Mary," he breathes out, shoulders dropping, eyes on the path in front of their feet. "About us. I mean, about... us sleeping together. I know it wasn't my place, but keeping it from her, it felt like-- like I was lying to her. I couldn't stand that anymore."
John takes a moment to process Jim's words. He'd told Mary. Told Mary about them -- sleeping together. Some part of him supposes he should be upset, mad, something, but he can't rationalize that beyond the sudden pounding sound of his heartbeat in his eardrums.
Even despite the fact that he manages to keep his features tightly schooled into a neutral expression, he can feel all of the color drawing out of his face. He supposes he's lucky his knees don't give out on him entirely, in all fairness, and after a few more steps he slows to a stop.
This is it, isn't it. They may not have the death sentence in this world, but that's hardly a line in the sand. He had been -- so careful. And now he's going to lose them both, isn't he?
To be fair, he wasn't expecting John to start yelling or insulting him, he's too proper and polite for that. Other than that, though, he doesn't know what to expect, and when John stops in his tracks, sudden enough that it takes Jim a couple steps to realize that the man's no longer walking alongside him, is enough to nearly make his heart stop.
He turns around, taking a step closer to the other man, then stops again, finding it hard to take in even the slowest of breaths. His heart sinks in his chest, able to tell that John is upset-- he's just not realizing what John really is upset about.
"I did," he nods, fingers curling in, stopping himself from reaching out. "I'm... sorry, John, I know it wasn't my place. You have every right to be mad at me, but I still hope you'll forgive me."
"Forgive you..." John echoes. His chest feels impossibly tight, and he forces himself to breathe in past the feeling as he raises his eyes to meet Jim's in return. Fight past the lump settling in his throat as he attempts to say something, anything, besides just repeating the other man's words right back to him.
"I suppose..." he begins, wetting his lips as he gazes back across at the other man, before starting again.
Jim's eyebrows both go up in surprise at John's response. "It is?"
The answer comes quickly, thoughtlessly, and Jim very nearly asks why-- but he knows why. Jim did betray his trust, after all, took something intimate they had and shared it with someone else. Regardless of who that someone else was, and the reasons for it, he did it anyway.
It's still a painful thing, to hear that John won't forgive him, that he's cutting him out of his life just like that. Tangled mess of feelings aside, John is such a close friend to him, the closest along with Mary in this place, and to lose him cuts deep and hurts too much. But he can't blame him for not wanting to have anything to do with him anymore.
"I see," he mutters, trying not to look or sound like he's falling apart on the inside. His gaze falls, unable to meet John's eyes anymore. "Will you please, at least... not cut Mary out? You're a dear friend to her, and she cares about you a lot. And here, she's..."
He doesn't want to use the word 'lonely', but lacking in people she can trust and confide in, definitely. He ends up not specifying, flicking his gaze briefly to meet John's. "I'd hate to be the reason why she'd lose someone close to her."
John can at least understand that at the response Jim is giving him, he has misunderstood their conversation to some extent. Though to what he has no way of knowing without addressing it directly himself. Blinking in confusion as he watches the other man deflate before him, he finds he must rally himself again. Even despite the nauseating twisting and turning of his insides.
"Ah," he says, as delicately as he can. "That is. I did not think."
He clears his throat, softly, before trying again. "I had thought that she might not. That is. A man such as myself..." He offers the other man a little smile that does not meet his eyes at all.
"We are not all from your future, James," he says, though he means no malice in the words. "Do you mean to suggest that she would willingly associate herself with a known sodomite?"
Or allow Jim to continue their association, for that matter.
Jim tries his best not to wince at John's wording, and ends up failing utterly. He frowns, resists the urge to tell John to shut up, and shakes his head.
"Really wish you wouldn't use that word," he says. He knows that's just what people call it in John's time, with all the negative implications that come with it, but it just makes it sound like it's wrong, like it's a horrid, disgusting thing. It makes Jim feel sick.
"I'm sure she won't judge you on that. She was... shocked, about us. But she wasn't disgusted by it. If it bothered her, then she would've broken things off with me too. I mean... I'm pretty sure I've slept with more men than you, and I sure as hell wasn't nearly as secretive about it."
Though he has slept with about the same number of women, but that doesn't change the truth in his original statement. And honestly, if Mary were to end her friendship with John because of that, Jim's not sure he could stay with her.
It isn't the best word, John knows, but it's the only one he knows to describe what he is. Other than perhaps Molly, which strikes a certain image in his mind that he feels is perhaps even more derogatory than the one that Jim is protesting as it stands.
He raises his eyebrows slightly as Jim continues -- pretty sure I've slept with more men than you.
"Is that a boast, Captain?" John tosses back, unable to help himself. "Or have I perhaps given you reason to suspect that my own sexual exploits are so limited?"
Jim's eyebrows arch slightly, surprised by John's answer. "It's neither," he says. Though he supposes it may have come across that way, it's not what he was aiming for. But John is a careful man, Jim can tell that much, and being from his time, Jim can't possibly imagine he was nearly as liberal about sleeping around as Jim was. He's pretty sure at some point people mockingly called him the Academy bicycle and there was good reason for it, no matter how offensive it was. "Sorry if that's what you got out of that, but I didn't mean it that way. Anyway, it-- it doesn't matter. I just mean that Mary knows I've slept with men and she hasn't kicked me out or ended things with me. You being gay isn't going to bother her nearly as much as you think it will."
There's a brief pause, then he adds when he notices the word he used. "'Gay' is a term that's often used for a homosexual person, where I'm from. Before you ask."
Technically homosexual is not a term that John is familiar with either, sodomite really had been the only word widely in use, though he can parse out what it means. Homo-, of course, meaning same, and sexual... Well, he doesn't need his Greek or Latin to translate that one for him.
"Perhaps not," John replies, raising his eyebrows at the other man in reply. "But it is easier to forgive the man you love than it is to forgive the man he has slept with."
"The man I have slept with before she and I were actually together, the man who never even knew I knew her, let alone that I was close to her? If she's to be upset at anyone, it should be me, not you," he says. He does still believe that he had a shitty attitude towards John especially, which wasn't at all what he meant to do.
"Just... talk to her. It's all I'm asking. You'll see I'm right," he says. "You don't have to-- ah, see me. I understand that you don't want to. I'll be sure to make myself scarce if and when you ever want to come visit Mary at the cottage."
Because he's still very much under the impression that John's upset with him for having outed him, and it's not like the other man has said anything stating otherwise so far.
John frowns for a moment, confused. He understands that he doesn't want to...? Oh, hell.
Taking two swift steps forward, John closes the distance between the pair of them and places a hand on Jim's shoulder. Careful not to be too intimate in the touch, for of course he has no right to that, but it isn't like that, and he does need Jim to understand.
"James," he says softly, squeezing his hand in the effort to coax the other man to look at him. "You will do no such thing. I would like to know that the pair of you are comfortable in my company, and that our friendship not cause any rift in your relationship together. But of course I should like to see you again. You are, and ever have been, my very dear friend."
Jim nearly startles out of his skin when John steps closer, then reaches out to touch him. He doesn't mind, obviously, he doesn't even flinch-- he just wasn't expecting John to even want to be near him, let alone touch him with that kind of familiarity.
Then the other man talks, and Jim can practically feel that painful tension that was coiling in him unfurl like a wave, washing out of him with an audible breath.
"I am," he mutters, wide-eyed. "I am? I mean, you're... you are, too. My friend. I thought... I thought you'd be mad at me."
Oh, screw careful. With a shuddered sigh, he pulls John into a hug, relief practically making him shake. "Thank you."
The hug does surprise John more than slightly, but he's grateful for it nevertheless. Raising his arms, he moves to wrap them around the other man in turn, tucking his head into Jim's shoulder and letting out a soft breath before shaking his head in reply to the other man's words.
"Not mad," he reassures gently. "I do understand why you had to tell her. I understand why you felt you could not hide such a thing from a person you cared for any longer. Believe me, my friend, I -- I know how it feels, to have a secret that eats away at you inside. I just..." He squeezes his arms around the other man gently, attempting to be reassuring, hoping that he will understand.
"I -- need time. To adjust. To the idea of... Sharing in this. It is not something I had thought that I could, you understand. The only reason I have shared such a thing with you is the fact that we have been together. And it is not because I do not trust you, but it is because it has been the way of things. The only way I've known."
Jim pulls back, nodding. "I understand," he says. "I do, really. I get that it's a crime where you're from, and it's dangerous for you. And it's terrible that you've had to live your life like that, but I..."
He sighs, giving John's arms a squeeze before letting go of him again. "I hope you'll find another way to live, here. Even if it's just for a little while."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text;
But he does text in advance, at least. He'd rather do that instead of showing up at his doorstep entirely unannounced.
John, hello. If you'd agree to see me, I'd like to talk to you.
text;
John's still not very good at texting. First and foremost because he's from a time when that sort of technology just doesn't exist, secondly because now that it does he would still much rather have a conversation face to face. Even despite the recent awkward happenings between himself and Jim, he's grateful that the other man isn't interested in having this conversation over their devices.
John is a forgiving sort, after all. Perhaps a little too forgiving, at times. Putting other peoples' needs before his own. The fact of the matter is that he too had died in that cave, and then been thrust back out on his own as if nothing had happened, and. He's an adult, a grown man, but these are extraordinary circumstances, and having to face them alone...
He sends Jim back a message readily enough:
My dear friend. I am always happy to spend time in your company. Simply name your appointment. Yours, John
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He can't help a faint smile when John actually signs the text as though it were a letter, and he types back quickly, feeling a bit more at ease.
Now works for me. Where are you? I'll come meet you.
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He considers his response, wondering exactly what the other man might have to speak to him about. Knowing the potential topics and weighing them into his suggested venue as he offers his reply.
My dear Captain. I am just finishing here at the arena but perhaps it might be better if we meet each other out instead. The lake in Honir should be peaceful at this time of day, I think. Shall I see you there? Yours, John
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My Lord John, that is a most suitable arrangement. I can meet you there promptly, should you give me fifteen minutes to find my way there. Likewise yours, James
Sorry, he just couldn't resist matching John's style. It does come across a whole lot fancier than casual texts, he has to admit.
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Shrugging back into his jacket, he sets off towards Honir's district himself, firing off his own reply in return:
My dear James. A fine show of manner, I commend you, though I hope you did not injure yourself in the attempt.
#sassBy the lake, my dear. Fifteen minutes. I will see you there. Yours, John
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Don't you sass him, John Grey. Anyway, if not for the serious topic that their conversation was going to have, he would gladly continue with the banter, but as it is he says his goodbyes rather simply.
I'll see you shortly. - James
True to word, ten minutes later Jim's standing by the edge of the lake, entertaining himself by picking up smooth rocks and tossing them into the distance, watching a few of them bounce across the surface a few times before sinking. He stops when he hears footsteps, turning with a smile.
"John. Hi."
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"Good afternoon," he replies, offering the other man a smile. Nodding to the last rock that Jim had skipped across the water before commenting, "Quite the talent you've got there."
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He gestures to the beaten path that goes along the edge of the lake. "Will you walk with me?"
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"Of course," he offers, though he waits for Jim to take the lead. Both down the path as well as in their conversation. Jim had been the one to request this meeting after all, and as much as John enjoys his company, he can't help bracing himself for whatever this talk might hold.
"How are you, my dear?" he asks, glancing aside at the other man as they walk.
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"I'm fine. John, I... I need to tell you something," he says straight away, bypassing pleasantries before he starts getting nervous and tries to talk himself out of this. "I hope you won't be too upset with me over it."
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He glances sideways at the other man, uncertain whether to offer him an encouraging smile or how best to respond other than to simply allow the other man to continue.
"James?" he prompts, gently.
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For a man of his time, Jim can understand that it must be a terrifying thing, having others find out about his sexuality. Even if that's not the sort of thing he has to worry about here, that's not something that's so easy to shake.
"I told Mary," he breathes out, shoulders dropping, eyes on the path in front of their feet. "About us. I mean, about... us sleeping together. I know it wasn't my place, but keeping it from her, it felt like-- like I was lying to her. I couldn't stand that anymore."
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Even despite the fact that he manages to keep his features tightly schooled into a neutral expression, he can feel all of the color drawing out of his face. He supposes he's lucky his knees don't give out on him entirely, in all fairness, and after a few more steps he slows to a stop.
This is it, isn't it. They may not have the death sentence in this world, but that's hardly a line in the sand. He had been -- so careful. And now he's going to lose them both, isn't he?
"You -- told Mary," he repeats, flatly.
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He turns around, taking a step closer to the other man, then stops again, finding it hard to take in even the slowest of breaths. His heart sinks in his chest, able to tell that John is upset-- he's just not realizing what John really is upset about.
"I did," he nods, fingers curling in, stopping himself from reaching out. "I'm... sorry, John, I know it wasn't my place. You have every right to be mad at me, but I still hope you'll forgive me."
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"I suppose..." he begins, wetting his lips as he gazes back across at the other man, before starting again.
"I suppose that this is our farewell then."
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The answer comes quickly, thoughtlessly, and Jim very nearly asks why-- but he knows why. Jim did betray his trust, after all, took something intimate they had and shared it with someone else. Regardless of who that someone else was, and the reasons for it, he did it anyway.
It's still a painful thing, to hear that John won't forgive him, that he's cutting him out of his life just like that. Tangled mess of feelings aside, John is such a close friend to him, the closest along with Mary in this place, and to lose him cuts deep and hurts too much. But he can't blame him for not wanting to have anything to do with him anymore.
"I see," he mutters, trying not to look or sound like he's falling apart on the inside. His gaze falls, unable to meet John's eyes anymore. "Will you please, at least... not cut Mary out? You're a dear friend to her, and she cares about you a lot. And here, she's..."
He doesn't want to use the word 'lonely', but lacking in people she can trust and confide in, definitely. He ends up not specifying, flicking his gaze briefly to meet John's. "I'd hate to be the reason why she'd lose someone close to her."
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"Ah," he says, as delicately as he can. "That is. I did not think."
He clears his throat, softly, before trying again. "I had thought that she might not. That is. A man such as myself..." He offers the other man a little smile that does not meet his eyes at all.
"We are not all from your future, James," he says, though he means no malice in the words. "Do you mean to suggest that she would willingly associate herself with a known sodomite?"
Or allow Jim to continue their association, for that matter.
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"Really wish you wouldn't use that word," he says. He knows that's just what people call it in John's time, with all the negative implications that come with it, but it just makes it sound like it's wrong, like it's a horrid, disgusting thing. It makes Jim feel sick.
"I'm sure she won't judge you on that. She was... shocked, about us. But she wasn't disgusted by it. If it bothered her, then she would've broken things off with me too. I mean... I'm pretty sure I've slept with more men than you, and I sure as hell wasn't nearly as secretive about it."
Though he has slept with about the same number of women, but that doesn't change the truth in his original statement. And honestly, if Mary were to end her friendship with John because of that, Jim's not sure he could stay with her.
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He raises his eyebrows slightly as Jim continues -- pretty sure I've slept with more men than you.
"Is that a boast, Captain?" John tosses back, unable to help himself. "Or have I perhaps given you reason to suspect that my own sexual exploits are so limited?"
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There's a brief pause, then he adds when he notices the word he used. "'Gay' is a term that's often used for a homosexual person, where I'm from. Before you ask."
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"Perhaps not," John replies, raising his eyebrows at the other man in reply. "But it is easier to forgive the man you love than it is to forgive the man he has slept with."
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"Just... talk to her. It's all I'm asking. You'll see I'm right," he says. "You don't have to-- ah, see me. I understand that you don't want to. I'll be sure to make myself scarce if and when you ever want to come visit Mary at the cottage."
Because he's still very much under the impression that John's upset with him for having outed him, and it's not like the other man has said anything stating otherwise so far.
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Taking two swift steps forward, John closes the distance between the pair of them and places a hand on Jim's shoulder. Careful not to be too intimate in the touch, for of course he has no right to that, but it isn't like that, and he does need Jim to understand.
"James," he says softly, squeezing his hand in the effort to coax the other man to look at him. "You will do no such thing. I would like to know that the pair of you are comfortable in my company, and that our friendship not cause any rift in your relationship together. But of course I should like to see you again. You are, and ever have been, my very dear friend."
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Then the other man talks, and Jim can practically feel that painful tension that was coiling in him unfurl like a wave, washing out of him with an audible breath.
"I am," he mutters, wide-eyed. "I am? I mean, you're... you are, too. My friend. I thought... I thought you'd be mad at me."
Oh, screw careful. With a shuddered sigh, he pulls John into a hug, relief practically making him shake. "Thank you."
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"Not mad," he reassures gently. "I do understand why you had to tell her. I understand why you felt you could not hide such a thing from a person you cared for any longer. Believe me, my friend, I -- I know how it feels, to have a secret that eats away at you inside. I just..." He squeezes his arms around the other man gently, attempting to be reassuring, hoping that he will understand.
"I -- need time. To adjust. To the idea of... Sharing in this. It is not something I had thought that I could, you understand. The only reason I have shared such a thing with you is the fact that we have been together. And it is not because I do not trust you, but it is because it has been the way of things. The only way I've known."
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He sighs, giving John's arms a squeeze before letting go of him again. "I hope you'll find another way to live, here. Even if it's just for a little while."